- CHAPTER TWO -

The Birthday

 

The following afternoon, Derek Crumble sat with a puzzled look on his face as his wife drove him and his family back from the planetarium. Why they had gone there in the first place escaped him. Lizzie had said she'd wanted to see the stars. That normally meant some awful boy band - not the things that twinkled at night. And Billy had insisted on coming as well! He'd left his room without a whimper and had started mumbling something about research, before being shut up by a glare from his sister.

He glanced over his shoulder at them and grunted. Lizzie was sprawled over most of the back seat with her arm out the window while Billy sat beside her, rigid with fear, wearing his earphones to cut out the noise and some large sunglasses to cut out the light.

Suddenly a car horn hooted, and Billy let out a  terrified yelp.

Derek sighed. "Pull your arm in Lizzie."

"It's my bloody arm," said Lizzie.

"It will be very bloody indeed if it gets ripped off!" said her father.

He peered out of the windscreen. "What's up with this traffic? I was hoping to do the old peoples' home next door. I must say I've worked wonders keeping those roses alive in this heat-wave."

"Don't you think of anything else apart from gardening?" asked Lizzie.

"That's what pays the bills," said her father. "Anyway, at least plants appreciate when you do things for them. They blossom and bloom into something pretty." 

"Well I'm not a blooming plant am I?" said Lizzie. "Anyway there are too many weeds choking me." 

A car horn shrieked past and Billy began to cry.

Caroline reached back, patted her son's knee and shouted at the top of her voice:

"Don't worry Billy! We're nearly home! We'll soon have you tucked up nice and safe in your room!"

She pressed a button, closing the windows, just as more car horns started honking. Then she noticed something odd. All the traffic seemed to be speeding by in the opposite direction, and there were lots of people rushing past on the pavement. She turned into their road, slammed on the brakes and the car screeched to a halt barely missing a huge tank that was blocking the road! 

Billy started wailing and Derek started shouting, and suddenly Mrs Piggott, from the old peoples' home appeared. She was wearing a party hat, and had a birthday cake on her lap, and she was sitting in a chair being carried along by four soldiers who were running as if their lives depended on it! More chairs with old people appeared making it look like some weird geriatric race; and most of the old people had the same idea. Some were even clapping their hands, shouting: "Faster! Faster!"

"This is all your fault!" screamed Mrs Piggott, as she caught sight of Lizzie. "You've ruined my party! I'll get you for this!"

"What does she mean you've ruined her party?" asked her father.

"I've no idea," started Lizzie.

"I knew you were up to something! What on earth have you done this time?"

"Derek," said his wife.

"Not now love. I've just about had enough of her!"

"Derek!" Repeated his wife.

She placed a hand on his shoulder and pointed at the giant banner dangling from a huge flying saucer that was hovering over their house.

Derek looked up and rubbed his eyes. It didn't say "Greetings Earthlings! We come in peace." It didn't even say: "We will destroy the Earth in ten minutes!" What it actually said was something much worse! It said: "Happy Birthday Ambassador Lizzie Crumble!"

 

 

- CHAPTER THREE -

The Big Umbrella

 

Colonel Brown stepped out of his tent and marched stiffly in the direction of the shouting and screaming. 

"What are these civilians doing here?" he said, his small moustache bristling with annoyance.

"Colonel Brown!" exclaimed a soldier who'd been arguing with Derek Crumble. "They won't leave. And they're causing a disturbance."

"We're causing a disturbance?" roared Derek Crumble. "We're not the ones with the tanks and trucks and big army boots!"

He pointed to some soldiers digging a trench in the garden of the old people's home.

"I've been looking after that lawn for six years!" he hollered. "Look at it! Look what you've done to it!"

"Excuse me!" bellowed Colonel Brown, "I'm sorry for messing up the grass, but you may have noticed there's a flying saucer hovering over that house!"     

"There's no need to take that attitude!" said Caroline Crumble. "Of course we can see it! It is rather large!"

"Then you'll understand why I would like you to move away!"

"We can't move away," said Caroline. "We live there."

"Number twenty three. That's us you idiot!" growled her husband.

The colonel turned to Lizzie. "In that case, I don't suppose your name is..."

Suddenly four police motorbikes turned into the road, followed by two large black cars with two small flags flapping excitedly on their fronts. The flags on the first car were 'Union Jacks', and on and the second car fluttered the American 'Stars and stripes'. The cars screeched to a halt and lots of men with black suits and dark sunglasses got out and looked around. Then one of the men spoke into his jacket collar, the passenger doors of the cars opened, and the Crumble family found themselves face to face with the Queen, the Prime Minister, and the American President!   

"Your Majesty!" gasped Colonel Brown. "Prime Minister! Mr President! I'm not sure it's safe to be here."

"Nonsense!" said the President, pointing at the flying saucer. "This thing flew right over Buckingham Palace while we were having lunch. It could have taken us out right there and then."

The Queen beckoned to the Prime Minister, a confused look on her face. "Taken us out?"

"Destroyed us your Majesty," explained the Prime Minister.

The Queen nodded in understanding then she noticed the Crumble family.

"Hello," she said.

The Crumble family jumped as if they'd all received an electric shock. Finally Caroline stepped forward and bowed awkwardly.

"Your Majesty."

The rest of the family followed, with all of them bowing apart from Derek, who managed a curtsy.   

"And you are?" asked the President, gruffly.

"We're the Crumbles," said Derek Crumble. "This is my wife Caroline, and my son Billy, and this is Lizzie Crumble!"

"The Lizzie Crumble?" asked the President, staring at the banner. "I think you're in a lot of trouble young lady."

"Don't worry," said her father. "Wait till I get her indoors. She won't know what's hit her!"

 He turned to Lizzie, his face white with anger.

"I knew you were up to something! I just knew it! Billy? What the hell did she make you do?"

Lizzie nudged her brother. "Don't tell him anything. Not until he says please."

*

It started to rain and they all moved to the Colonel's tent. A large map-reading table was hastily erected and chairs found for them all. The Queen then suggested having some tea, and the President agreed, as long as he could have coffee, while the Prime Minister asked if they had any scones.  

Soon the conversation turned back to the flying saucer.

"What are we going to do?" muttered the President. "We can't have that thing hovering over our heads!"

"I know!" grumbled Derek Crumble. "It hasn't rained in months and that thing is acting like a blooming great umbrella stuck right over my blooming garden!"

He turned to the Prime Minister. "Sir...I know there's a hosepipe ban but do you think I can use my sprinkler? My lawn is dying of thirst!"

"Forget about your dam lawn!" shrieked the President, banging the table.

"That's all he ever thinks of," said Lizzie. "He's mostly vegetable himself."

The Prime Minister cleared his throat. "Can we get back to the small matter of the spaceship?"

He pointed to Lizzie and Billy. "You children are at the centre of this. You boy. What on earth did you do to get it here?"

Billy began to sob.

"Billy's very sensitive," explained his mother. "He doesn't like too much attention."                 

Lizzie on the other hand had no such problem. "We used my mobile!" she explained excitedly. "And a lot of batteries and dad's satellite dish."

"What!" spluttered Derek, spraying tea all over the table.

"It was my idea," continued Lizzie. "Billy's a genius with electronics you see, but I told him what to do."

"So you made a Walky-talky?" asked the President. "What was your message? What did you say?"

"I changed it from my original idea," said Lizzie as she removed a crumpled note from her back pocket. "We decided it should be a bit more proper and official." 

She began to read. "'Dear Aliens. My name is Lizzie Crumble, Ambassador from Earth. Me and my brother, Billy would like to invite you to my thirteenth Birthday party, today at seven o'clock. I live at 23 Ashton Road Barnet, England, the Earth. Ps, Live long and prosper.' The last bit was Billy's idea!"

Her brother's face turned bright red, and he slid further down the chair.

The American President looked completely dumfounded.

"We've spent billions of dollars sending out space probes, and you just...invited them to a party?"

Lizzie was about to nod but the Prime Minister raised his hand.

"Wait a minute. Radio signals take years to get to the stars. And you spoke to them only last night?"

"I think I can explain," said Colonel Brown. "Just a few hours ago one of our observatories spotted some activity on Pluto. It looks like something that had been buried there took off this morning."

"Well," said the Queen. "It would seem our alien friends have been on our doorstep all this time! And they haven't been bad neighbours so far, have they?"

"Hold it!" said the President. "Did you say the party starts at seven o'clock?"

He tapped his watch. "It's nine minutes to seven! If they turn up and no-one's there, it could be disastrous!"

The Prime Minister nodded his head. "The President is right! We should get over there on the double! We've got a party to organize. The most important party in the history of the world and we've got less then ten minutes to do it in!"

 

  

 

- CHAPTER FOUR -

   The Special Guest

 

Operation Party-pooper rolled into action at exactly seven minutes to seven. The Queen and Caroline Crumble made cucumber sandwiches in the kitchen, while Colonel Brown set up his map-reading table in the Crumble's front room, and quickly drew a diagram of the house.

"We need balloons here, here and here," he said, tapping the drawing with a long metal pointer. "Sergeant Pike, form a search party and scout the surrounding area for any shops, and also some party hats and..."

He stopped and turned to the President, who had begun chuckling quietly to himself.

"Is something the matter Mr President?" he asked stiffly.

The President chuckled once more. "No offence Colonel, but by the time you Brits have got your balloons and party hats, our alien friends will be on their way back to Pluto!"

"And I suppose you Americans could do better?" asked the Prime Minister sharply.

The president waved over a giant of a man who had been standing with the other 'Men in Black'. His suit looked even sharper then the others, (with trouser creases that could chop wood); his hair was shaved shorter, and his sunglasses looked even darker and shinier.

"This is Special Agent Steel," said the President proudly. "He'll get those Balloons a darn sight quicker then you Brits, won't you Agent Steel!"  

"Really?" said the Prime Minister. "I don't suppose you'd like to make a bet on that?"

*

"Well best of luck to you old chap," said Sergeant Pike, offering his hand to Special Agent Steel. "As you can see, I've drawn a line on the road with some chalk and my men are already behind it. So if you could join them, I'll blow my whistle and we'll be off." 

Agent steel didn't answer. Instead he and his men jogged right passed the starting line and down the rain-swept road.

"Well how rude!" exclaimed Sergeant Pike. "Listen men. The pride of the British army is at stake. It's time we taught those Yanks a lesson. Whatever it takes we must get some balloons before they do!"

Just then Derek Crumble came out of the house and started kicking a tank that was parked on the grass.

"Sergeant!" he roared. "Will you get that lump of metal off my front lawn!"

"Go back inside Mr Crumble!" shouted the Sergeant. "We've got important business to attend to!"

He called his squad to attention and they began to march off after Agent Steel and his men.

"What about this blooming tank?" bellowed Derek after them. He raised his foot to give it another kick, but stopped.

"I tell you what!" he called. "If you move this thing I'll get you all the balloons and party hats you can carry! Now do we have a deal or not?"

*

Exactly five minutes later, the door to the Crumble's front room burst open, and Agent steel and his men proudly squelched over to the President. They all saluted and Agent Steel thrust out his hand to reveal a single, rain sodden packet of balloons.

"Mr President! It took everything we had but..."

"Thank you Steel," growled the President. "But Sergeant Pike and his men have already dealt with the situation."

"But what about the Ballo..." Agent Steel stopped, the word caught in his throat; and for the first time since he and his men had rushed in, Steel realised that there was something different about the front room. Balloons. That was the difference. Balloons. There were balloons on the ceiling. Balloons on the walls. He had even waded through a sea of balloons scattered all about the floor!   

"Then...you won't be needing..."   

"No!" snapped the President. "We don't need any more Balloons!"

But Agent Steel wasn't the type to give up easily.

"Wait a minute sir!" he exclaimed. "The balloons all say 'Happy 100th Birthday!'"

"All thanks to Mr Crumble here," said the Queen. "He remembered that Mrs Piggott, from next door was having a birthday party as well. I sent her a Birthday card just the other day!"

Just then Agent Steel noticed that the President was wearing large Mickey Mouse ears (chosen by the Prime Minister, as he had won the bet they had made).

"Tell your men to put these on," barked the President, handing a pile of hats to him.

Everyone else was wearing a party hat as well, with the exception of the Queen, who had brought her crown, and Colonel Brown, who had insisted that he keep his beret on.

"Where are the Children?" asked Derek, who was looking extremely uncomfortable in a tall, princess's hat.

"Getting changed," said Caroline from underneath a pirate's hat. "They'll be down in a minute."

The doorbell rang.

"Oh my Goodness!" said the Queen. "Is anyone as scared as I am?"    

Everyone nodded.

The Prime Minister gulped. "Colonel," he said. "Would you let our guest in?"

Colonel Brown went out into the hallway and returned a few seconds later accompanied by a small, slim, silver skinned robot. He had a round, friendly looking face; and his eyes were two bright disks, glowing with curiosity. He had two arms, and hands that looked surprisingly human; but what made it obvious he was a robot was that he didn't have any feet. Instead his legs ended in a flat platform, which hummed quietly as he floated about.   

The little robot looked around inquisitively at everyone in the room - especially at their hats - then he floated over to the Queen. "Ambassador Lizzie?"

The Queen shook her head. "No, I'm the Queen."

He floated over to the Prime Minister, and the President and asked the same question.

"No I'm not Ambassador Lizzie, I'm the God Dam President!" exclaimed the President, his Mickey Mouse ears flapping with embarrassment.

"Well, begging your pardon," said the robot. "But where is Ambassador Lizzie?" 

As if she had been waiting for her cue, Lizzie Crumble flounced into the room, wearing a dress that was covered in bits of twigs and leaves that had been sprayed different colours.

"Greetings my Cosmic friend," she began. "My name is Lizzie Crumble. I am from the Earth," she said, touching the flowers. "And I am one with the Earth." 

"Have you been at my rose-bush?" growled her father.

At that moment Billy crept into the room as well. He was wearing a homemade 'Space Commander' costume he'd been secretly working on for months, complete with helmet, jetpack, and laser-gun.

"So that's where my hairdryer's got to!" exclaimed his mother.

The robot whizzed over to Billy, making him jump with fright.

"Are you Billy?" he asked.

Billy let out a squeak and nodded.

"I didn't know that you were a 'Space Commander' as well!" said the robot appreciatively.

Billy's knees started knocking together rather loudly.

"P-pardon?"

But the robot had turned back to Lizzie. He bowed and the single antenna on his head quivered excitedly as he began to speak.

"Ambassador Lizzie Crumble. On behalf of Empress Zamora, ruler of the Galaxy, may I congratulate you on becoming the first Ambassador from Earth."

Lizzie bowed back. "Thank you. And you are?"

"Sentinel Droid Max 450 at your service," he replied. "But I would be honoured if you'd call me Max."

"Pleased to meet you Max," said Lizzie, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm so glad you could make it!"

After that, the little droid was properly introduced to everyone in the room, some music was put on, and it wasn't long before everyone was having a great time (apart from Agent Steel who went around bursting balloons when no one was looking).

Max turned out to be the perfect guest, chatting to the Queen about her corgis, and talking diplomatically with the President and Prime Minister. He told Lizzie about the Galactic capital, which was called Vallakye, and the wonders of the Imperial Palace - and he even managed to give Derek Crumble some advice about manure (much to Lizzie's disgust).

Everyone was impressed with the little droid. Non-more so then Billy, who followed him around the room, his fear of crowds temporarily forgotten.

Finally, after an hour and a half, Max clapped his hands together.

"This has been a most wonderful party! I wish we could stay longer but the Empress is waiting to meet her newest Ambassador and we don't want to keep her waiting. Come along now Lizzie."

He began to guide Lizzie towards the hallway, but the Men in Black blocked his way.

"Just one minute Max," chuckled the President. "You can't just go around kidnapping children. It's not the done thing on Earth."

Max spun around to face him. "I don't understand."

The President chuckled again. "It was all a mistake Max. We should be in Washington right now. At the Whitehouse - not at some poky little house in Barnet!" 

"But Lizzie..."

"Is nothing but a child. A nobody. A nothing!"     

"Oh d-dear!" said Max nervously. "A Child! All the other Ambassadors have been trained diplomats."

"She isn't even housetrained," said her father.

"Excuse me!" yelled Lizzie. "Have I suddenly turned invisible or what?"

The President chuckled again. "There is a perfectly simple solution. One of us can go in her place."

Max shook his head, sending his antenna wobbling wildly.

"I've already spoken to Chizwick, the Imperial Vizier. The Empress is expecting Lizzie. If someone else turned up she would be extremely unhappy."