- CHAPTER
ONE -
The
last Meal
On the day before her thirteenth birthday, Lizzie Crumble looked around her
dining table for what she hoped would be the very last time and let out a long disgusted sigh. It was dinnertime, and as usual
Lizzie found herself eating another grim meal with what was laughingly
called her family. She closed her eyes to shut it all away, but could still hear the grunts from her father Derek, who was
sitting on her left, and the polite coughs from her mother Caroline, on her right, and the clattering of a knife and fork
on a plate from the Walky-talky sitting on the table in front of her.
"Try not to rush your
food dear," whispered her mother in its direction. She was a short
plump woman, with straight brown hair and a permanent worried look on her face.
The scraping died down and the timid voice
of Billy Crumble, Lizzie's eight year old brother rose from the speaker.
"Sorry mum."
"That's all right dear," said his mother.
"There's nothing wrong with a healthy appetite. Is there love?"
Derek Crumble grunted and carried on shoving
lumps of Spam into his mouth. He was a big, sour, bear of a man, with wild eyes, wild hair, and a strong smell of manure coming
from his gardening dungarees.
He glanced over at his daughter, who was
sitting with her eyes closed, pushing her food around her plate.
"What is she doing?"
"I do have a name!" said Lizzie, snapping
her eyes open and glaring at him, but he'd already turned back to his dinner.
"Fine," she said to herself. "Concentrate
on eating like a pig...on anything but me. This time I will make it. I will get away from this madhouse. It won't be like
last year!"
She picked at a lump of Spam and noticed
her mother's coughs had changed. They were now directed at her father and it meant she was trying to get him to say something.
Finally he let out an annoyed grunt, and
Lizzie waited for him to talk to her. Something he hardly ever did lately.
"Lizzie," he said eventually. "Tomorrow you'll
be thirteen. A teenager. You'll be very nearly grown up."
"Correct," said Lizzie smugly.
"So your mother and I have decided to treat you as a grown up,"
he continued, "and ask you not to run away again."
A shiver raced along her spine. It was as
if he could read her thoughts.
"Because if you are planning something and
I catch you, you'll be grounded for life! Do I make myself clear?"
"I'm sure it won't come to that," said her
mother desperately. "Will it Lizzie?"
Lizzie sighed. "I promise I will not run
away to Europe, America, or anywhere else on Earth! Will that do?"
"And no electrocuting Billy's pets!" added
her father sharply. "The house still smells of burnt fish!"
"Oh dear," said Caroline Crumble. "I wish
you hadn't said that."
The scraping from the walky-talky stopped
and they all remembered last year, and Lizzie's plan to run away with some dolphins.
Billy had made an electronic translator to talk to them and she'd persuaded him to test it on his pet goldfish. They'd heard
one word: "Ouch!", then the bowl had exploded. It had been a complete fiasco, and as a result she'd been grounded for
six months, and fried fish had been added to the long list of things that made her brother cry!
"I thought we were never supposed to mention
that!" hissed Lizzie and wondered if perhaps Billy hadn't heard her father after all.
They all stared at the Walky-talky, hoping
the same thing.
Suddenly the speaker screeched out a howl
that shook the whole table sending plates and peas and Spam everywhere!
Her father reached over and turned it off.
"Lizzie," he said. "All this fighting doesn't
help Billy. Can't we stop it, for his sake?"
"Stop what?" said Lizzie. "You were the one
who made him cry!"
"So you won't even try?" said her father.
"You know he's going through a difficult period."
"He's always going through a difficult period!"
snorted Lizzie.
"And whose fault is that?" asked her father.
"Now that's not fair!" said her mother.
"Yes it is!" he snarled. "All these stunts
you pull always backfire on him, and because you do them on your birthday he starts thinking about the accident and starts
getting worse again!"
"Stop it now, both of you!" shrieked Caroline
Crumble. "I'm turning Billy back on and I don't want him any more upset than he already is!"
She reached across the table and turned the
walky-talky back on. A strange noise was coming from it. It was the sound of someone choking.
"Oh no!" cried Lizzie. She dashed past her
parents and ran to her brother's bedroom, and found a very fat, very pale boy, sitting at a small table, coughing violently
over a half eaten dinner.
Lizzie thumped him on the back and a lump
of Spam shot out of his mouth, knocking his walky-talky over. Their parents rushed into the room and Billy stumbled into his
mother's arms, while Derek Crumble turned on his daughter.
"Look what you've done! Billy could have
been killed!"
"I hate you!" cried Lizzie.
She ran to her bedroom, slammed the door
and slid down against it, and as she listened to her brother's sobs her mind was dragged back to the moment when it all went
wrong – when she ruined all their lives. It had happened at her fourth birthday party. She could only remember a few
things. Her mother dancing in the garden and her father in his bright Hawaiian shirt filming her with his video camera. They
waved as she went in the house. Then she was climbing the stairs. Then she was in Billy's room. Then she was lifting him from
his cot and bouncing him on the armchair near the window. Then the next few seconds burned everything else away and it all
faded quickly after that. She remembered the hospital and the doctors telling them somehow Billy hadn't been hurt - and then
time raced forwards and she was back in her room, listening to Billy's sobbing, her mother's comforting voice, and her father
telling him there was no need to be scared of Spam fritters.
Lizzie jumped up and went to her dressing
table and found the video cassette she kept hidden that had captured the whole thing. She gripped it tightly and wished she
could rewind the scene and change the ending so he didn't fall. But it was too late. The only thing she could do was leave.
She put the cassette into a canvas shoulder
bag and put the bag in the suitcase hidden in her wardrobe. Then she waited until the house was quiet before creeping to her
brother's room.
Lizzie found him at
the same small table. He was sitting very still, with a blank, dreamy look on his face, and he was wearing a pair of headphones
plugged into a box in front of him, full of wires and flashing lights. Under the box, half hidden by the wires, was a comic
book devoted to his favourite TV show, 'Space Commander,' and as soon
as she saw it, Lizzie knew the reason for that look.
She sighed and lifted
the earphones from his head and hissed in his ear.
"Earth to Commander Crumble. Come in Crumble!"
Slowly the dreamy look faded.
"Welcome back," she said. "I hope you had
a pleasant trip. Now, is it ready?"
"Just about," said Billy. "I've been listening
to the space probe near Mars. It reminded me of when Space Commander and Gawain fought the..."
"Will you forget about your stupid show!"
hissed his sister. "I'm trying to plan the greatest escape in the history of the world! Now does the radio work or not!"
Billy sighed. "Have you got your mobile phone?"
Lizzie reached into her dressing-gown, took
out her phone, and handed it to her brother.
With the skill of a surgeon he opened the
back, took out the tiny card, and replaced it with one attached to the radio by some wires.
He held the phone out to her. "Happy Birthday,
Lizzie."
She went to take it but hesitated when she
noticed an odd look on his face.
"What's wrong? Is there something else to
do?"
"No," said Billy. “It's ready. It's
just that I...I want to go with you."
Lizzie clamped her mouth shut just in time
to stop herself from sniggering. He actually believed he could go with her, when he couldn't even leave his room!
"Sure," she said, trying her best not to
smirk. "I'm sure there'll be plenty of room."
"Well what are we waiting for?" said Billy. He
pressed the phone into her hand. "What are you going to say?"
"What'll I say?"
Lizzie frowned and then smiled sneakily.
"How about this: Calling all Space Aliens - I'm an Earthling get me outta here!"
- CHAPTER TWO -
The Birthday
The following afternoon, Derek Crumble sat with a puzzled look on his face
as his wife drove him and his family back from the planetarium. Why they had gone there in the first place escaped him. Lizzie
had said she'd wanted to see the stars. That normally meant some awful boy band - not the things that twinkled at night. And
Billy had insisted on coming as well! He'd left his room without a whimper and had started mumbling something about research,
before being shut up by a glare from his sister.
He glanced over his shoulder at them and grunted. Lizzie
was sprawled over most of the back seat with her arm out the window while Billy sat beside her, rigid with fear, wearing
his earphones to cut out the noise and some large sunglasses to cut out the light.
Suddenly a car horn hooted, and Billy let out a terrified yelp.
Derek sighed. "Pull your arm in Lizzie."
"It's my bloody arm," said Lizzie.
"It will be very bloody indeed if it gets ripped off!"
said her father.
He peered out of the windscreen. "What's up with this
traffic? I was hoping to do the old peoples' home next door. I must say I've worked wonders keeping those roses alive in this
heat-wave."
"Don't you think of anything else apart from gardening?"
asked Lizzie.
"That's what pays the bills," said her father. "Anyway,
at least plants appreciate when you do things for them. They blossom and bloom into something pretty."
"Well I'm not a blooming plant am I?" said Lizzie. "Anyway
there are too many weeds choking me."
A car horn shrieked past and Billy began to cry.
Caroline reached back, patted her son's knee and shouted
at the top of her voice:
"Don't worry Billy! We're nearly home! We'll soon have
you tucked up nice and safe in your room!"
She pressed a button, closing the windows, just as more
car horns started honking. Then she noticed something odd. All the traffic seemed to be speeding by in the opposite direction,
and there were lots of people rushing past on the pavement. She turned into their road, slammed on the brakes and the car
screeched to a halt barely missing a huge tank that was blocking the road!
Billy started wailing and Derek started shouting, and
suddenly Mrs Piggott, from the old peoples' home appeared. She was wearing a party hat, and had a birthday cake on her lap,
and she was sitting in a chair being carried along by four soldiers who were running as if their lives depended on it! More
chairs with old people appeared making it look like some weird geriatric race; and most of the old people had the same idea.
Some were even clapping their hands, shouting: "Faster! Faster!"
"This is all your fault!" screamed Mrs Piggott, as she
caught sight of Lizzie. "You've ruined my party! I'll get you for this!"
"What does she mean you've ruined her party?" asked her
father.
"I've no idea," started Lizzie.
"I knew you were up to something! What on earth have you
done this time?"
"Derek," said his wife.
"Not now love. I've just about had enough of her!"
"Derek!" Repeated his wife.
She placed a hand on his shoulder and pointed at the giant
banner dangling from a huge flying saucer that was hovering over their house.
Derek looked up and rubbed his eyes. It didn't say "Greetings Earthlings!
We come in peace." It didn't even say: "We will destroy the Earth in ten minutes!" What it actually said was something much
worse! It said: "Happy Birthday Ambassador Lizzie Crumble!"
- CHAPTER
THREE -
The Big Umbrella
Colonel Brown stepped out of his tent and
marched stiffly in the direction of the shouting and screaming.
"What are these civilians doing here?" he
said, his small moustache bristling with annoyance.
"Colonel Brown!" exclaimed a soldier who'd
been arguing with Derek Crumble. "They won't leave. And they're causing a disturbance."
"We're causing a disturbance?" roared
Derek Crumble. "We're not the ones with the tanks and trucks and big army boots!"
He pointed to some soldiers digging a trench
in the garden of the old people's home.
"I've been looking after that lawn for six
years!" he hollered. "Look at it! Look what you've done to it!"
"Excuse me!" bellowed Colonel Brown, "I'm
sorry for messing up the grass, but you may have noticed there's a flying saucer hovering over that house!"
"There's no need to take that attitude!"
said Caroline Crumble. "Of course we can see it! It is rather large!"
"Then you'll understand why I would like
you to move away!"
"We can't move away," said Caroline. "We
live there."
"Number twenty three. That's us you idiot!"
growled her husband.
The colonel turned to Lizzie. "In that case,
I don't suppose your name is..."
Suddenly four police motorbikes turned into
the road, followed by two large black cars with two small flags flapping excitedly on their fronts. The flags on the first
car were 'Union Jacks', and on and the second car fluttered the American 'Stars and stripes'. The cars screeched to a halt
and lots of men with black suits and dark sunglasses got out and looked around. Then one of the men spoke into his jacket
collar, the passenger doors of the cars opened, and the Crumble family found themselves face to face with the Queen, the Prime
Minister, and the American President!
"Your Majesty!" gasped Colonel Brown. "Prime
Minister! Mr President! I'm not sure it's safe to be here."
"Nonsense!" said the President, pointing
at the flying saucer. "This thing flew right over Buckingham Palace while we were having lunch. It could have taken us out
right there and then."
The Queen beckoned to the Prime Minister,
a confused look on her face. "Taken us out?"
"Destroyed us your Majesty," explained the
Prime Minister.
The Queen nodded in understanding then she
noticed the Crumble family.
"Hello," she said.
The Crumble family jumped as if they'd all
received an electric shock. Finally Caroline stepped forward and bowed awkwardly.
"Your Majesty."
The rest of the family followed, with all
of them bowing apart from Derek, who managed a curtsy.
"And you are?" asked the President, gruffly.
"We're the Crumbles," said Derek Crumble.
"This is my wife Caroline, and my son Billy, and this is Lizzie Crumble!"
"The Lizzie Crumble?" asked the President,
staring at the banner. "I think you're in a lot of trouble young lady."
"Don't worry," said her father. "Wait till
I get her indoors. She won't know what's hit her!"
He
turned to Lizzie, his face white with anger.
"I knew you were up to something! I just
knew it! Billy? What the hell did she make you do?"
Lizzie nudged her brother. "Don't tell him
anything. Not until he says please."
*
It started to rain and they all moved to
the Colonel's tent. A large map-reading table was hastily erected and chairs found for them all. The Queen then suggested
having some tea, and the President agreed, as long as he could have coffee, while the Prime Minister asked if they had any
scones.
Soon the conversation turned back to the
flying saucer.
"What are we going to do?" muttered the President.
"We can't have that thing hovering over our heads!"
"I know!" grumbled Derek Crumble. "It hasn't
rained in months and that thing is acting like a blooming great umbrella stuck right over my blooming garden!"
He turned to the Prime Minister. "Sir...I
know there's a hosepipe ban but do you think I can use my sprinkler? My lawn is dying of thirst!"
"Forget about your dam lawn!" shrieked the
President, banging the table.
"That's all he ever thinks of," said Lizzie.
"He's mostly vegetable himself."
The Prime Minister cleared his throat. "Can
we get back to the small matter of the spaceship?"
He pointed to Lizzie and Billy. "You children
are at the centre of this. You boy. What on earth did you do to get it here?"
Billy began to sob.
"Billy's very sensitive," explained his mother.
"He doesn't like too much attention."
Lizzie on the other hand had no such problem.
"We used my mobile!" she explained excitedly. "And a lot of batteries and dad's satellite dish."
"What!" spluttered Derek, spraying tea all
over the table.
"It was my idea," continued Lizzie. "Billy's
a genius with electronics you see, but I told him what to do."
"So you made a Walky-talky?" asked the President.
"What was your message? What did you say?"
"I changed it from my original idea," said
Lizzie as she removed a crumpled note from her back pocket. "We decided it should be a bit more proper and official."
She began to read. "'Dear Aliens. My name
is Lizzie Crumble, Ambassador from Earth. Me and my brother, Billy would like to invite you to my thirteenth Birthday party,
today at seven o'clock. I live at 23 Ashton Road Barnet, England, the Earth. Ps, Live long and prosper.' The last bit was
Billy's idea!"
Her brother's face turned bright red, and
he slid further down the chair.
The American President looked completely
dumfounded.
"We've spent billions of dollars sending
out space probes, and you just...invited them to a party?"
Lizzie was about to nod but the Prime Minister
raised his hand.
"Wait a minute. Radio signals take years
to get to the stars. And you spoke to them only last night?"
"I think I can explain," said Colonel Brown.
"Just a few hours ago one of our observatories spotted some activity on Pluto. It looks like something that had been buried
there took off this morning."
"Well," said the Queen. "It would seem our
alien friends have been on our doorstep all this time! And they haven't been bad neighbours so far, have they?"
"Hold it!" said the President. "Did you say
the party starts at seven o'clock?"
He tapped his watch. "It's nine minutes to
seven! If they turn up and no-one's there, it could be disastrous!"
The Prime Minister nodded his head. "The
President is right! We should get over there on the double! We've got a party to organize. The most important party in the
history of the world and we've got less then ten minutes to do it in!"
- CHAPTER
FOUR -
The Special Guest
Operation Party-pooper rolled into action at exactly seven minutes
to seven. The Queen and Caroline Crumble made cucumber sandwiches in the kitchen, while Colonel Brown set up his map-reading
table in the Crumble's front room, and quickly drew a diagram of the house.
"We need balloons here, here and here," he
said, tapping the drawing with a long metal pointer. "Sergeant Pike, form a search party and scout the surrounding area for
any shops, and also some party hats and..."
He stopped and turned to the President, who
had begun chuckling quietly to himself.
"Is something the matter Mr President?" he
asked stiffly.
The President chuckled once more. "No offence
Colonel, but by the time you Brits have got your balloons and party hats, our alien friends will be on their way back to Pluto!"
"And I suppose you Americans could do better?"
asked the Prime Minister sharply.
The president waved over a giant of a man
who had been standing with the other 'Men in Black'. His suit looked even sharper then the others, (with trouser creases that
could chop wood); his hair was shaved shorter, and his sunglasses looked even darker and shinier.
"This is Special Agent Steel," said the President
proudly. "He'll get those Balloons a darn sight quicker then you Brits, won't you Agent Steel!"
"Really?" said the Prime Minister. "I don't
suppose you'd like to make a bet on that?"
*
"Well best of luck to you old chap," said
Sergeant Pike, offering his hand to Special Agent Steel. "As you can see, I've drawn a line on the road with some chalk and
my men are already behind it. So if you could join them, I'll blow my whistle and we'll be off."
Agent steel didn't answer. Instead he and
his men jogged right passed the starting line and down the rain-swept road.
"Well how rude!" exclaimed Sergeant Pike.
"Listen men. The pride of the British army is at stake. It's time we taught those Yanks a lesson. Whatever it takes we must
get some balloons before they do!"
Just then Derek Crumble came out of the house
and started kicking a tank that was parked on the grass.
"Sergeant!" he roared. "Will you get that
lump of metal off my front lawn!"
"Go back inside Mr Crumble!" shouted the
Sergeant. "We've got important business to attend to!"
He called his squad to attention and they
began to march off after Agent Steel and his men.
"What about this blooming tank?" bellowed
Derek after them. He raised his foot to give it another kick, but stopped.
"I tell you what!" he called. "If you move
this thing I'll get you all the balloons and party hats you can carry! Now do we have a deal or not?"
*
Exactly five minutes later, the door to the
Crumble's front room burst open, and Agent steel and his men proudly squelched over to the President. They all saluted and
Agent Steel thrust out his hand to reveal a single, rain sodden packet of balloons.
"Mr President! It took everything we had
but..."
"Thank you Steel," growled the President.
"But Sergeant Pike and his men have already dealt with the situation."
"But what about the Ballo..." Agent Steel
stopped, the word caught in his throat; and for the first time since he and his men had rushed in, Steel realised that there
was something different about the front room. Balloons. That was the difference. Balloons. There were balloons on the ceiling.
Balloons on the walls. He had even waded through a sea of balloons scattered all about the floor!
"Then...you won't be needing..."
"No!" snapped the President. "We don't need
any more Balloons!"
But Agent Steel wasn't the type to give up
easily.
"Wait a minute sir!" he exclaimed. "The balloons
all say 'Happy 100th Birthday!'"
"All thanks to Mr Crumble here," said the
Queen. "He remembered that Mrs Piggott, from next door was having a birthday party as well. I sent her a Birthday card just
the other day!"
Just then Agent Steel noticed that the President
was wearing large Mickey Mouse ears (chosen by the Prime Minister, as he had won the bet they had made).
"Tell your men to put these on," barked the
President, handing a pile of hats to him.
Everyone else was wearing a party hat as
well, with the exception of the Queen, who had brought her crown, and Colonel Brown, who had insisted that he keep his beret
on.
"Where are the Children?" asked Derek, who
was looking extremely uncomfortable in a tall, princess's hat.
"Getting changed," said Caroline from underneath
a pirate's hat. "They'll be down in a minute."
The doorbell rang.
"Oh my Goodness!" said the Queen. "Is anyone
as scared as I am?"
Everyone nodded.
The Prime Minister gulped. "Colonel," he
said. "Would you let our guest in?"
Colonel Brown went out into the hallway and
returned a few seconds later accompanied by a small, slim, silver skinned robot. He had a round, friendly looking face; and
his eyes were two bright disks, glowing with curiosity. He had two arms, and hands that looked surprisingly human; but what
made it obvious he was a robot was that he didn't have any feet. Instead his legs ended in a flat platform, which hummed quietly
as he floated about.
The little robot looked
around inquisitively at everyone in the room - especially at their hats - then he floated over to the Queen. "Ambassador Lizzie?"
The Queen shook her head. "No, I'm the Queen."
He floated over to the Prime Minister, and
the President and asked the same question.
"No I'm not Ambassador Lizzie, I'm the God
Dam President!" exclaimed the President, his Mickey Mouse ears flapping with embarrassment.
"Well, begging your pardon," said the robot.
"But where is Ambassador Lizzie?"
As if she had been waiting for her cue, Lizzie
Crumble flounced into the room, wearing a dress that was covered in bits of twigs and leaves that had been sprayed different
colours.
"Greetings my Cosmic friend," she began.
"My name is Lizzie Crumble. I am from the Earth," she said, touching the flowers. "And I am one with the Earth."
"Have you been at my rose-bush?" growled
her father.
At that moment Billy crept into the room
as well. He was wearing a homemade 'Space Commander' costume he'd been secretly working on for months, complete with helmet,
jetpack, and laser-gun.
"So that's where my hairdryer's got to!"
exclaimed his mother.
The robot whizzed over to Billy, making him
jump with fright.
"Are you Billy?" he asked.
Billy let out a squeak and nodded.
"I didn't know that you were a 'Space Commander'
as well!" said the robot appreciatively.
Billy's knees started knocking together rather
loudly.
"P-pardon?"
But the robot had turned back to Lizzie.
He bowed and the single antenna on his head quivered excitedly as he began to speak.
"Ambassador Lizzie Crumble. On behalf of
Empress Zamora, ruler of the Galaxy, may I congratulate you on becoming the first Ambassador from Earth."
Lizzie bowed back. "Thank you. And you are?"
"Sentinel Droid Max 450 at your service,"
he replied. "But I would be honoured if you'd call me Max."
"Pleased to meet you Max," said Lizzie, grinning
from ear to ear. "I'm so glad you could make it!"
After that, the little droid was properly
introduced to everyone in the room, some music was put on, and it wasn't long before everyone was having a great time (apart
from Agent Steel who went around bursting balloons when no one was looking).
Max turned out to be the perfect guest, chatting
to the Queen about her corgis, and talking diplomatically with the President and Prime Minister. He told Lizzie about the
Galactic capital, which was called Vallakye, and the wonders of the Imperial Palace - and he even managed to give Derek Crumble
some advice about manure (much to Lizzie's disgust).
Everyone was impressed with the little droid.
Non-more so then Billy, who followed him around the room, his fear of crowds temporarily forgotten.
Finally, after an hour and a half, Max clapped
his hands together.
"This has been a most wonderful party! I
wish we could stay longer but the Empress is waiting to meet her newest Ambassador and we don't want to keep her waiting.
Come along now Lizzie."
He began to guide Lizzie towards the hallway,
but the Men in Black blocked his way.
"Just one minute Max," chuckled the President. "You
can't just go around kidnapping children. It's not the done thing on Earth."
Max spun around to face him. "I don't understand."
The President chuckled again. "It was all
a mistake Max. We should be in Washington right now. At the Whitehouse - not at some poky little house in Barnet!"
"But Lizzie..."
"Is nothing but a child. A nobody. A nothing!"
"Oh d-dear!" said Max nervously. "A Child!
All the other Ambassadors have been trained diplomats."
"She isn't even housetrained," said her father.
"Excuse me!" yelled Lizzie. "Have I suddenly
turned invisible or what?"
The President chuckled again. "There is a
perfectly simple solution. One of us can go in her place."
Max shook his head, sending his antenna wobbling
wildly.
"I've already spoken to Chizwick, the Imperial
Vizier. The Empress is expecting Lizzie. If someone else turned up she would be extremely unhappy."